Why 'Let Me Know How I Can Help' Isn’t Helpful

Countless times in my life, I’ve needed a hand—whether it was during the death of a parent, a birth that didn’t go as planned, or navigating the day-to-day of caring for a child with a disability. The list feels long, but thankfully, so is the support I’ve received from people who showed up in countless ways to help. During those tough times, the love and care of my friends carried me through.

In these moments of overwhelming sadness or exhaustion, I often didn’t know what I needed. When someone would ask, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do,” my reply was always, “Okay.” But, of course, I’d never actually reach out. It wasn’t because I didn’t want help—I just didn’t know what I needed.

Sometimes, people would say, “You never ask for help,” and that stung. The truth is, I did accept help—it just came from friends who didn’t wait for me to tell them what I needed. They simply showed up and acted.

Why It’s So Hard to Ask

One of the biggest needs during a crisis is the relief of not having to make decisions or directly ask for help. When life feels like you are drowning, you’re not thinking about how to be rescued—you’re just trying to stay afloat.

If someone’s drowning, you don’t wait for them to ask what they need—you act.

What Help Looks Like

Here are a few ways friends stepped in to help me without waiting for me to ask:

Meals appeared at my door. Friends organized meals, so food just showed up.
Laundry got done. Someone tossed a load of laundry in the washer without asking.
Someone took my kids for the afternoon, giving me time to rest.
Friends checked on my kids, making sure they were okay, too.
Someone weeded my flower beds, such a thoughtful and unexpected gesture that really brightened my day!
Friends took CPR classes so they would be equipped to watch my child.
Anonymous people prayed for us. I’ll never know how I ended up on that list, but the prayers that filled our mailbox for our baby were so incredibly comforting, supportive, and life-changing.

None of these gestures required me to make decisions or ask for anything. These acts weren’t elaborate—they were simple, thoughtful, and exactly what I needed.

Related: Explore these care tips for practical advice on meal-sharing etiquette and thoughtful ways to offer support to those facing tough times.

Adopting the “Just Do It” Mentality

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that we should all embrace the Nike motto: Just do it. Just act with love and confidence—don’t second-guess yourself. Thoughts like, Will they need this? Will they appreciate it? Will they be upset? Will they like this meal? often hold us back, but trust me—kind gestures rarely go unappreciated. Even if it’s not exactly what they need, they’ll feel supported and cared for.

How to Offer Help

Instead of saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” try being specific:

“I’d like to bring you dinner. Would Wednesday or Thursday work better?”
“What are you having a hard time doing right now?” (and then help them do it)
“I’m heading to the grocery store—what can I pick up for you?”
“I’m doing laundry. If you can gather a bag, I’ll wash it and bring it back folded.”

These questions make it easy for someone to say “yes” without feeling like they’re imposing.

More Simple Ways to Help

Pack lunches or prep snacks for their kids.
Leave groceries on their doorstep—grief groceries are always appreciated.
Mow their lawn or water their plants.
Offer to walk their dog or run an errand.
Chip in with friends to gift a cleaning service if housework is a need but feels too personal to offer directly.
Offer to watch their kids for a couple of hours so they can get some rest.

Take care of any small repairs or chores around the house that they might be putting off.
Drop off a basket of self-care items like cozy socks, candle, books, or a journal.
Send a handwritten note or card to let them know you’re thinking of them.
Drop off a comforting meal or a batch of homemade cookies or set up a meal train so they don’t have to worry about cooking.

Don’t Forget to Check In

Whether it’s a tragic event, a long recovery, or an ongoing illness, the support people need doesn’t end after the first few weeks. Set reminders on your phone for key dates—like the anniversary of a loss—or check in regularly with a simple text, e-card, or a bouquet left on their doorstep—it can mean so much.

Share Your Thoughts

What has helped you most during tough times? Or how do you support friends in need? Join the conversation in the forum, and let’s learn from one another. Together, we can keep spreading love and kindness.